just regrets.

Mkat

wa ko…kadrama sa life oi. Hahaha! LOL )

It was just the ordinary nights for me…on my own and no one to talk to but myself. It was just the usual. And these are the times when I get to remember things, people, and some incidents in the past that I’ve come across. Life gets so regretful when longing turns up to you especially when all you can do with it is just to put them in your mind and only reminisce that you wish to make it all happen all over again.

At times like these, I tend to become so nostalgic and wish that the past could become the present. It is a miserable feeling to regret some things that happened in your life. To wish you should’ve said the right words or do the right things was honestly tormenting. And knowing that the sad truth is…there is nothing you can do with it…not this time…that it’s all over and ended. Have I just wish I could just turn back the memories and relive all those moments that happened in my life? Oh yes…It is funny to think that I long to bring those moments back, because I believe I wasn’t able to do what I really wanted…and if it could happen, I would not act stupidly or maybe…and maybe I would do the things I should’ve done.

Why have I tend to become like this? Maybe because I’m alone and boredom gets me so sentimental. And maybe it’s because I am awfully regretting the memories I’ve had with the “people” I used to be with. If I’ve just acted the way I should be at that moment, could it be that things would not swiftly end just like that? If I’ve just said the right words, could it be that he won’t move away from me? If I’ve just didn’t let him to let go, could it be that we are still together right now? *sigh* Regrets…distress…sadness. Stupid, isn’t it? Why haven’t I been so conscious about my actions then? If I would know I’ll bear this sickening feeling of lost, maybe I wouldn’t let pride get in between the two of us. I’m missing him and it tears me up inside. I know I should’ve moved on right now (and I’ve really moved on) but it’s so unavoidable to think that if I wouldn’t let those happen in the past, if I didn’t let it to happen…I am just thinking, maybe I am not as lonely as I am right now.

My loneliness gets me to think that if I’d just taken things seriously; I wouldn’t be acting like this. I wouldn’t be regretting all the things I’ve done. Have I made a big mistake? Probably, yes. But on the other side, it makes me think that if those things didn’t happen, maybe I wouldn’t exactly know how important he is to me. I guess that’s how life works. You wouldn’t know the value of something unless it has been taken away from you. I know how hard it is to accept that it was just too late to realize what’s my mistakes are. But then it makes me to get into a position wherein I grow and finally understand the lessons that life has brought up for me. Harsh? Yes, definitely. It’s honestly excruciating. Yet, I was cleared that I’ve done wrong and I should now be aware with how my decisions would affect the people around me and my future.

Everything comes and everything goes…all you should do is to cherish what you have and value the presence of another. That’s what I’ve taken for granted and forgot in the past. I wasn’t able to show what my feelings are and let them know how I love and appreciate their company. Perhaps, I ignored their worth while they are present or I feared I’d be neglected and ignored if I’d show them what I really feel. Then again, regrets make you know your mistakes. Yes, I was stupid for a while. But something struck me that made me recognize that the present is not for agonizing the past but rather to feel relief that you’ve taken your lessons again and simply to do things right from now on.

I realized life is indeed a long journey, everything happens for a reason, and everything comes in purpose. If ever you’ve been down again, get up…because there are a lot of things to do that to regret. From my past, I’ve learned to let go with what I usually hang on and believe to stay. I’ve moved on from the feeling of lost and being left. I have passed all the trials inside me and now ready for another one. I have now come through my new self…more conscious and aware…more sensible and caring…, and remained loving (way mupalag! LOL!). I have become more aware of things and I’ve grown mature from the past experiences that I’ve had. It’s relieving that you’ve come across that long and now you’ve become a better person – stronger and wise. Mistakes can be along the way and if somehow you bump into it accidentally…learn to accept it and leave it as a lesson to take as you live life.

Living life the mature way is undeniably hard…and its takes great effort to be grown-up emotionally. Regrets are typical to human. I’m learning to get pass regretting and become conscious with what I do. It is not easy though. But with the help of my friends and as well as myself, I’m coming to get through it and continue living life. It is just a matter of perception…just be strong.